2019 Published Submissions
roses
WINNING SUBMISSION
tonight i get out of the dark by sinking into it,
becoming what i drink, rolling my neck and
listening to that crack, snap, and i swirl
this body through this,
arms wide like wings spread, and
let the music carry me home.
we wear our jeans with the cuffs rolled up,
and i slip off my combat boots
hang them by their laces on the coatrack.
i let j---- write notes along my jacket’s inside
to keep close. just for me. we mix warmth
into mugs and this song reaches.
i dissolve:
my arms, uncrossing.
this morning i cried ‘til i laughed so hard i cried again.
t--- hugs me so hard that it stamps ache into my arms, but
i don't care. the dog trots in from another room. slips and skips
between our legs, and we sing and forget and breathe hard,
in and out. alongside
eachother.
this is our golden hour:
wrapped up in air gone lamplitblack.
softening comes from smile tones, not the setting
of sunken suns.
this is the slant to which i like my body best:
upright. able. warmth spilled from my cup to my wrists,
and just now, i kiss them dry.
PUBLISHED SUBMISSIONS
_______
Oh honeybee yellow as can be. I love you when you’re far away from me. Our spaces hardly intermingle but you bring me life in spring though.
Let the dogs bark late at night
They remind of how to fight
With eagerness and will
To show how much we still care
Love, show me your best
And yes let’s
Argue like there is a tomorrow
Yellows pinks and purples
All a different hue
You make no assumptions
And take nothing
Oh honeybee you are yellow as can be
Why don’t you come fly away with me
We can go extinct together
And I can hold your hand forever
_______
breathe in cigarette smoke. exhale.
watch the smoke move from my lung and curl into the glow
I look to my right momentarily
drift from the conversation
and focus on the old music
sheets papering the walls
familiar.
"You're a bit Old Fashioned Mary"
How true those words were
and how I ignored them
I think of you now as the smoke
furls from my virgin lungs
and seeps into my conscious
thoughts of the time passed between us.
Time that continues to pass as if
it did not exist, never existed
persistently exists.
Pervasive.
Like I will never read sheet music without you
Will never sing.
_______
How tolerant one must be,
Symphonic pulse melody.
Let me hear you, heal you,
Love you, feel you.
Light of my life,
But a ripple of mind.
As we dance 'round Saturn's grind,
The powerful passage of time.
_______
All I want in this moment
is to stick my cold toes into that warmest space
which only exists between your calf and your shin
when one foot is crossed indifferently over the other.
_______
I just wrote
fifty-five
stupid love poems
stories
songs
notes
about you, to you.
I haven’t got a chance;
I don’t know why
I trick myself
into
thinking
that I do.
It’s all up to you,
anyway.
Here goes
number
fifty-six…
_______
breathe in cigarette smoke. exhale.
watch the smoke move from my lung and curl into the glow
I look to my right momentarily
drift from the conversation
and focus on the old music
sheets papering the walls
familiar.
"You're a bit Old Fashioned Mary"
How true those words were
and how I ignored them
I think of you now as the smoke
furls from my virgin lungs
and seeps into my conscious
thoughts of the time passed between us.
Time that continues to pass as if
it did not exist, never existed
persistently exists.
Pervasive.
Like I will never read sheet music without you
Will never sing.
_______
TOOTH LOJIK
Sitt! Heer!
Insydde thuh howss
uv mye teeth
uhlong mye swoll’n ruuf ov gumms
Can ewe see mee frumm up therr?
wherr aye put yoo owt ov reech?
shapng mowths to fit arown’d
flatterrys frumm on hye
lefft tooths leen-ng slyetly
t’words uh falsshood
But whenn doo we gett small’r?
withowt shaymme
uv plehsn’t belly blund’rs
we arr en a meen-tymme
Nott nyss tymme
for with’n reesunn
plees rewarrd mee with a speltng
Wayt! For it!
_______
Dont kownt up the owurs
yoov spent pikkng
yoor splitt endlngs
shreddngs pylled in tymkeepng
a groomng in revurss
Luhstee blundr’d torrenss en
between yoor seekret foldlngs
praktisst keepng klosedd
frumm reestraint in the downtym
Bolstur’d by a morawl layngwage
ewe ethikal lappslutt
lapp’t heet chaffngs
rekaal thuh lurnedd kodekks
ov howe to beehayv
_______
The morning light is poisoned by a longing, for the silence of night.
There's something soothing within a dream, amongst this chaos.
The storm is at its peak, and I am at my weakest.
Winds whip through the quivering fields of grass.
And the trees?
The trees cry out in song of helplessness as the raindrop tears stream from their beauty.
There is no happiness without such grievance, and there would be no such grievance had I not loved you this much.
_______
What complex deliberate-lacy
language, thou art
Chance calligraphy facts in silver,
in sapphire shawl
Daughter of Green Creek
Gemini meadowlark
always with clover blossom
Writing the unabridged histories
of the cumulus avenues
the forgetful and fondest memories
or as tenderly free
write a photograph;
ribbon river
dozen secret fields of pinwheels
endlessly rotating
Fields of dancing sunshine schemes /
manifestos for whole communities of grass lovers
music at the high of every hill
tumbling toward daisy plainsong
Let us build a map again, oh please
Golden moon / winged sequin solstice mistress
of dulcimer vibrato
Champagne something blue
Ruffle-cloaked winter oracle
apple-eye summer muse
dream of horses
(the flowers blooming from your sleeping head)
and the holy mare sauntering
about morning childhood starlight
Black water lady,
you always were here
when where we are
was a hundred million years under water
go on
make way like deer tracks
through metamorphosis of Northern passages
to mother, the sea!
Sail, full sail
skygusty jubilee /
hallelujah shimmy
_______
With a slight jolt I pick up my phone. Dad. A short text is exchanged. At this point my eyes are swollen and shirt is stained.
_______
Sweet taste of bloody in the morning
How juicy
One slow sip after another
Stuck in this moment of nonexistent time
I really can’t help but admire
Oh, how content I feel
Almost too amused
Like I was at that party
I love drinking bloody mary's with you in the morning
_______
I have had a hole in my chest my entire life. It marks the place where my lung collapsed. My tiny, infant body struggled to survive, and the doctors did their best to fix me. The scar is deep, and like a puncture it interrupts the smooth skin on my side. It’s a physical reminder of the emptiness I keep returning to.
I filled the void with California: ocean, skylines, riptides, sidewalk jazz, cheap wine, poppies, eucalyptus, city lights, sparkling sunshine muted by rolling fog, jasmine, pink afternoons, burritos, windblown cypress trees, bridges and clear green water.
Woven together, each of these pieces made a perfect canvas to cover my emptiness. A salve for my eternal wound. California taught me that one day this would no longer hurt. But that wasn’t entirely true.
I have never known a love like San Francisco. I don’t think I will again. The city is no longer mine, but I carry that patch to remind myself that it’s possible to hurt less. The emptiness remains, but now it’s beautiful.
Do you know how much I love you, California?
_______
i read this article about how people can send each other messages
telepathically in dreams
i tried to send you a willow tree with light shining through the spaces between
the branches in the garden of our home
as i picture each little shape, colors of flowers
a soft glow for a sunset
an eager half-moon
it gets a little harder to make out your face now
so i replace our bodies with silhouettes and hope you know that
it’s us there, beneath the curtain of leaves
i try to fall asleep with this image
convinced that when i go, i’ll find you there
illuminating our shadowy limbs
and kissing me until my lips turn red
springing to life inside a dreamy snow globe
that’s been turned on its head and then up again
when i wake up i nudge you, just a little
and wait for signs that you got the message
i notice how blue your eyes are
as you ask her how she slept
_______
I love you so much
It's under my skin.
The edges of me, you
blur
It's beautiful
And dangerous
Too hard? Too much? Too little? Not enough?
I'd unhinge my jaw and swallow you like a snake, if I could
While trying to forget words like "fearful-avoidant attachment style"
Because they're wrong. Words fail.
You're different.
_______
What Love Looks Like
(Observational Notes)
His fidelity to his priggish style
Her vacuuming with rigor counting as exercise
Conjured up readiness as a bedside manner
Psychological resistance to revealing an aptitude for one’s emotional state
Subtleties of Bingo! Vs. War!
Success by means of resourcefulness
Success by means of luck
Existing for a while as glamorous
Saving a seat across from oneself to avoid awkward periphery views
Stoicism
Hosting a retrospective of your wardrobe
Consistent “surprises”
Sugar free ice cream served with a kiss
Unadulterated attention
Conversations with a tenuous quality
Drinking enough wine
Laughing and crying simultaneously
Memory for tepid hearts
_______
Atop...
Her shapely branches quiver and sway, while
Honking and jocose,
Fourteen geese arrange themselves in such a way.
Amid...
Imperious and proud,
The cobra of five heads holds aloft her scaly shrouds.
Below...
Two great apes hang, with clinging toes curled.
Two by two smooth hemispheres look askance at the world.
On solid ground...
Two cows, lumbering freely to and fro,
Standing watch over roots that hold fast as she grows.
Opposite...
I stand in communion with this small bronze tree.
I do love her but would she love me?
Behind protective glass, I cannot hold her or smell her,
Even with occasion to speak, I would not know what to tell her.
Later...
We eat dinner together.
We discuss this.
We hold hands.
_______
Kansas City Mother
You ask for nothing. Children sitting on your lap and running down the isle. You smile with your eyes, and scold with your mouth. Other passengers listen and judge. Your children still run, but to them you hold up the sun. You turn to look at me, blossoms on your blouse blue. I’ve been watching you. A child by my side as well. We’re both in our own personal heavens and hells. Our children keep us company. There minds in wonder encourage us to be curious. But we have grown cautious, knowing our own naivety has hurt us. We stare into each other, finding commonality. You reach up for the yellow tug with those hands. The hands of a mother pull and pick all of your children up. You are like the sun to me. Waddling off the bus, you thrust your children from side to side with each stride and fade as the bus keeps bouncing on it’s way as it does every single day.
_______
Kansas City Father
You asked me to smile. My embarrassment forced me to flash teeth at you, even though I didn’t want to. Not because you don’t deserve a smile, but because you demanded one from me. You talked about your daughter and how you’ve been put out. It’s October, Kansas City is gray. All of the bus stops are blue. You ask me for a cigarette. I say I don’t smoke. You ask me for a light. I say I don’t smoke. You’re drunken eyes test me. As if I was lying. You saw my desire to be self destructive, but I’m not. You’re done asking me for things. At this point you start giving me things. You paint drunken pictures of possums as cats. How you fell asleep on your neighbors porch. How a large white cat came and kept you warm. Kept you alive so that the bourbon in your blood could keep you blind. You tell me that my smile reminds me of your daughter and how she put you out.
_______
The clock it will always tick
And I know that I will die
Between then and now though
I don’t want to say goodbye
I want to laugh at our misfortunes
And bond in gentle wake
to touch and linger
On every single breath
And kiss you oh my darling
On your sweet forehead
Love is sometimes a façade
A fake exterior wall
It crumbles when you fall
An object to look at but
Not lean against at all
I’m not offering foundation
But one thing that I know
I’ll catch you if you call
_______
sand of Egypt prophet jewel
kindred trance tea investigation
collector of infinities
where was time shot?
my old pal
kitchen tablecloth scent
and coroner nineteen-sixty-something
my old recurring fiction of gabardine creased
his solicitation a hue of pale blue
sky zany habits embraced
we have many fathers
we have one father
my old stack of paper frenzy
I see you. I see you
_______
light May rain,
then the sun, a rainbow
this is the proof I was seeking
another miracle of mother
open the window,
begonia breeze and cardinal song
stirs the cats from reverie
and the fairies in their fields
you were there in my fever hours,
clover dew shimmer
and marigold medicine
your light through a prism
casts tiny rainbows on the wall
(and also the window shades
of Grammie memory)
I will find home
in your open arms,
the cradle of your smile
love the shape of a crescent moon,
pie-lemon yellow
the color of caring
_______
It seems as though life was unfair to you
dealing you a hand not as shiny as most
with shit cards and bad health
but you played it well.
You smiled through the turns
where you didn’t have much to give
and you did all you could do
to make others feel loved and needed.
You lived boldly, and like a unicorn
even though your body played a hand
against you,
even though it bet against your odds.
That didn’t stop you.
You put on your red dress,
and silly socks
and ran against the clock.
You rode horses,
and danced as a fairy
and gave life to a beautiful girl.
Please know, that even though you’re gone,
you live on through her.
And you live on through all of the lives
that you touched,
in the short time while you were here.
And now you’re gone.
And I’m here, longing for coffee dates
and gossip, and that smile of yours.
And that laugh.
So instead, I speak to the clouds
and tell them how much you meant to me.
Do you know that I miss you?
Do you know how much your friendship changed me?
Oh Amy. This much.
_______
You split me in two versions
One after, one before
For every year you don't love me
I'll love you for two more
_______
Mountains and snow,
and flat lands and plateaus . . .
show me the world
through your passions,
and I'll adventure with you
to the ends of this Earth.
_______
All I've ever wanted
was s o m e o n e
to look at me
the way y o u do.
_______
Day breaks and my mind is spinning,
more violently than the wind whipping in the trees above.
I’ve lied to you.
I love you, and I’ve lied.
I’ve kept secrets to feed desires.
You’re good in so many ways.
But in others, you’re just not enough.
He is more.
He sees me. He looks at me like I’m the only woman in the world.
Like if we make eye contact long enough, we’ll melt into each other
and stay forever.
He finds ways to gently touch me,
and holds my hand in public,
and cares about how my days have gone.
He’s not pushy or needy.
He encourages me, and builds me up,
and tells me I’m beautiful.
I can’t remember the last time you complimented me.
You refuse to touch me in front of other people.
or ask me about my day,
or kiss me before bed.
You never tell me goodnight,
and I often feel alone.
But we have our moments of good.
We have our bits of laughter.
We share a house, and a bed.
And I can’t just leave you.
So I stay. And lie.
And as the wind moves the clouds above,
he moves me.
_______
This boy sits at his desk, me at his couch, cracking open bottle of fizz.
he talks.
Then stalks
over to me at his couch
with his camera.
Says I have an impulse to take a picture of
what is before me
but if this is my spot,
what will a photo do?
I can come back
to be and see again.
Still closer to me he walked
and kneeling before me he took
beer from my hand,
hand on my knee,
apologized
as he was very gone on the drink.
Told me not to do anything
and I can’t remember what else,
then clicked the button with
open eye pressed against the black box.
Made some remark
that I brushed off for lack of sincerity.
Evening fell and was short
with emptying of a being into cans
tossed into bins
revealing disregard.
He called my name from
crumpled heap on the floor,
requested warmth be wrapped 'round his back
while he curled himself into nothingness.
I obliged
wrapped in plain sheets together
I loved every moment.
_______
it is sunday & snowing & this is what i know of church.
on saturday night all of my friends hope
their services are canceled the next day
since it is supposed to blizzard in the midwest.
& what they don’t know is that these drinks with them are my service.
& these beers & tacos are what i know of the eucharist.
& their laughter is my prayer.
amen.
my friends are what i know of holy.
their texts back are what i call answered prayers.
& it is sunday & snowing & i text my friends
to ask them if they are home safely.
this is what i know of the hymnals;
a song that tells me that all of my friends are safe
& warm
& okay.
hallelujah.
amen.
_______
Warm freckles on soft cheeks.
Our legs entwined, as I bury my face in your back.
You take my arms in yours against your chest.